Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
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