Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
