I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
