i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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