There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
