you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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