I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
