I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
