so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize