I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
