someone threw a dead crab at me
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
