The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
