Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
