I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
