my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
