She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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