soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
