If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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