Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
