mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
