my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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