I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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