if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
