i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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