NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
