I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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