my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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