Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
