listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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