On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
