just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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