She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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