If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
