I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
