Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Pooping to opera.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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