My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
