So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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