Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize