i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
