Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
