no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
