During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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