Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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