I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
