I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
