i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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