She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
