$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
