I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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