I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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