just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize