Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize