I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize