Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
