Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize