this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
