just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
