my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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