People in love make me want to vomit
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize