he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
