Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
