the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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