Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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