8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
someone owes me an orgasm
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
