batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
